It's a cook book!

Are you enjoying the hiatus? I know I am!


~Joko!

A Good Cause

Ahoy, my darlings! And welcome back to Joko Records. Get ready for an evening of song, dance, magic, and a steak the size of your head (assuming your head is 8 oz.).

During the pre-pre-preproduction of an album, artists such as the debonaire boys of Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie enjoy contributing to the little people who helped make them famous. Although to the big egos that fill their recording booths, everyone is a little person. Except for Billy Barty, who comes up to Toby's chin. That makes him a very little person.

(Only in stature! We love ya, Billy!)

So how exactly do these Chris Kattan-esque superstars relate to their adorning public? We went straight to the source. Unfortunately, Chris Kattan was busy with his latest blockbuster, Corky Romano II: Please Give Me A Dollar, I'm Starving. So we just, y'know, talked to the band.

Kyle entered himself into an ice cream eating contest to raise money to build a rocket to send all of America's left-handed people to the moon. Little did he know, Kyle is severely alergic to Chubby Hubby. The benefit was critically panned for showing disturbing images of lefty scissors and backwards baseball mitts, as well as pictures of Gerald Ford, David Byrne, and Eudora Welty.

Rob has ventured out into the heart of this great country of ours with nothing more than a walking stick and a handful of Take 5 candy bars. He's walking across the continental United States to create awareness for Big Oil. His podcast, "Oy, My Aching Feet" is broadcast to riverboat casinos and Circuit Citys everywhere, where people can chronicle his journey while failing companies like Exxon and Texaco add supporters to their cause. Said Rob in his latest podcast, "My dogs will know no rest until we, as a nation, are paying $7 a gallon!" He later added, "I am not looking forward to the walk back."

In an effort to continue riding on George Clooney's coattails (yeah, we know what you're up to), Toby has been rally-jumping to support the Save Darfur campaign. While other activists are fighting for the US Government to intervene, Toby has taken on the equally difficult task of explaining to people what Darfur is. Come on people, don't you watch The Daily Show?

Meanwhile, we at the Joko Records office have been contributing to the welfare of this little place we call America. It's not much, but we do what we can. We call it the Leave a Penny, Take a Penny Tray. We might've been better off with a swear jar.


www.savedarfur.org

~Joko!

What the World Needs Now

J. Geils had it right when he said that Love Stinks. It’s all too true, as we at Joko Records know. We’ve all had our share of heartache, even the band members of Daddy’s Gonna Kill Ralphie. But, as Levar Burton might say, Don’t take my word for it!

Daddy’s frontman Toby Fallsgraff once broke up with a girl at Cedar Point amusement park. He lost her somewhere between the Demon Drop and the Antique Cars ride. According to Fallsgraff, “I don’t know what happened. We were getting along so well, then she was just gone. Just like Chevy Chase's career.” We hired a team of private detectives to investigate what ever happened to the mystery girl. It seems that she stepped away from Toby to try her hand at the Knock-Over-The-Milk-Bottles game. After 17 consecutive losses, she ran out of money and was forced to get a job selling cotton candy to supplement her gambling addiction. She claims to love her new life as a carnie, and brags that she once met Arsenio Hall while on the job.

Everyone’s favorite drummer, Kyle, has a girlfriend. She’s a model. But she lives in Canada. You don’t know her. She was just visiting last week, but you must have missed her. You really don’t know her.

Bass-picker Rob recently ended a 4-year relationship with a girl who, according to Rob, has a bit of a mean streak and a heightened sense of arrogance. After dealing with her drama for so long, Rob had enough and broke off their relationship, even though they were engaged to be engaged. The girl then went on to record such hits as She Bop and Time After Time.

And that leaves the staff of Joko Records. We polled our employees and came up with inconclusive results. It seems that three people have all dated Teri Hatcher (possibly at the same time), and one employee was wife #4 to Larry King. While many of us disagree whether or not Love does in fact stink, we all agree that it most definitely does have an odor of some sort.

~Joko!

Little to the Left!

We at Joko Records know that there's a lot of music out there. Once in a while you folks need to take the Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie 8-track out and put something new in. Well we've got something you're gonna want to put in, then out, then in again.

It's the brand-spankerin' new Little to the Left album, "Bourgeoisie," featuring such hits as "Dueling Mouth Banjos" and "Indiana Sucks." But who, you ask, are these two foxey ladies fronting this punkified band?

The indifferent French broad is Carla McTrashensteinbergstein. You can find Carla McT in the 1999 Guiness Book of World Records for having the longest sassy streak in the world. The following year, her record was defeated by Demi Moore, fresh off of her divorce from the Die Hard Man.

Her partner in crime is Mrs. Rose Bootylicious, the mohawkified former teen pop sensation. Her former claims to fame are appearing on an unaired episode of Star Search (in which a drunk Ed MacMahon pees on comedian Sinbad) and a recurring role on Perfect Strangers as "Debbie," the wacky neighbor.

Carla McT met Mrs. B back in the 3rd grade when both young girls were members of their local Wilderness Girls troops. After Carla's Beverly Hills chapter defeated Rose's team, the Red Feathers, the two did not speak for 15 years. Then, after an accidental double-booking at a Japanese karaoke bar, the two rivals attempted to sing over each other, mixing Carla's rendition of "Fire and Rain" with Rose's "Where Eagles Dare." Needless to say, the end result was pretty terrible. But after the bonding experience of getting booed off the stage, they decided to combine their efforts and start their own Wilderness Girls troop.

When that didn't work, they started a band.

Little to the Left has become a neo-post-thrash-hardcore-gerbil-glam-punk sensation. This is mostly due to the band's complete understanding of what it takes to become truly "punk." Peeing in sinks, eating Chinese food in the dark, and owning an out-of-commission sewing machine. Yeah, these ladies know where it's at.

Buy their album! According to early reviews, "The best non-Daddy's fake album Boko Records has made yet!" (~The Wall Street Times)

~Joko!

A Peek Into the Future

Greetings from Jokoland! I'll be your host, Joko Records! Watch your step, keep your hands inside the blog, and watch out for the icy patch.

This weekend, Sir Paul (McCartney) will turn 64. Forty years ago, he wrote a song of some sort predicting the destiny of his own 64-year old future self. Unfortunately, recent events have shown that his significant other will not need him, will not feed him, now that he's 64 (oboe solo).

In honor of this once in a lifetime event (and because we missed Ringo's 64th birthday.. sorry, Richard), we'll be unearthing time capsules buried by each of the Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie band members over 40 years ago. The capsules contain personal belongings as well as predictions for the future. They were buried with the intention to be opened only after the band has long since been retired and were ready for a greatest hits album or for when the blog runs out of ideas for things to write about.

Rob's time capsule was buried under the bathroom tiles in his parents' house. Inside was a collection of hair clippings and two Right Said Fred audio cassettes. His predictions for the future included moving sidewalks, Tom Cruise's wedding to Rue McClanahan, and a goat for every household.

Kyle forgot to bury his time capsule, so he just threw a bunch of stuff in a pillowcase about an hour ago. His time capsule included a handful of change, a microwaved AOL Free Trial CD, and a staple remover with googly eyes. On his prediction list, he included Alex Winters' return to Hollywood, a live-action Jetsons movie, and the cast of Friends becoming horribly disfigured from falling into a vat of acid.

Last but not least, Toby uncovered his time capsule from his hamster's grave in Mount Olive Pet Cemetary. After several hours of sobbing, we discovered that he buried a half-finished Subway Sub Club card, Muppet Babies Shrinky Dinks, and directions to Rob's time capsule. Toby predicted that his future son would come back to the past to introduce him to the woman that would become his wife. Also that we'd have robot maids.

And us? We at Joko Records don't like to dwell on the future. We're quite happy thinking about today, working on where Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie will be in the future. C'mon, what do you want from us? We've already made three Jetsons references! Ok, one prediction: in the future, after Mario gains sainthood, only the holiest of the holy will have moustaches.

~Joko!

RIP Billy

We here at Joko Records mourn the loss of the fifth Beatle, Billy Preston. Sadly, Mr. Preston was not available for comment.

Famous for such tunes as "Will It Go Round In Circles" and "Nothing From Nothing", he did not write songs like "Let It Be" or "And Your Bird Can Sing." Nor did he write "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow," but we won't hold that against him.

Preston isn't the first person to be called "The Fifth Beatle." There's Stu Sutcliffe (the wacky one), Pete Best (the unemployed one), George Martin (the British one), Eric Clapton (the famous one), and Yoko Ono (INSERT_YOKO_JOKE_HERE), to name a few. I don't know about you, but if John and Paul had called me the Fifth Beatle, I'd be incredibly honored, yet peeved if I'd learned that they gave this title to enough people to fill Clear Lake, Iowa.

So since there are so many people in the world with this title, we at Joko Records decided to declare Toby Fallsgraff of Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie an honorary Fifth Beatle. Toby will be recieving a steak, a DVD set of The Best of Fraggle Rock, and a pen that can write in space. Congratulations, Toby!

After the induction ceremony, we got to thinking: there's no harm in creating "honorary" members of a band. They don't have any say in anything, they don't have to actually show up anywhere, and then they get to brag about the band for you (aka free advertising). So we're declaring Michael Nesmith, Quincy Jones, Ludacris, and the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard official "Fifth Daddy's"!

Billy Preston can come too.

~Joko!

Band of the Freakin' Week!

Ah, Athens, Ohio. The Whistler's Mother of the Midwest. Athens has always been good to us here at Joko Records. It was where we found the international sensation, Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie. It was where we were when Charles Grodin died. It was where we once found five whole dollars just lying on the ground. It was where Archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot, thus sparking World War 1. It was where love began anew and flowers bloomed and tiny angels shot their arrows into the sky. A lot of people died that day. What a travesty.

Even though Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie has become a Bee Gee's-esque success, they have never forgotten their roots (with the exception of Rob, who has had his long-term memory removed to make room for the ability to communicate with fish). We traveled back to Athens last week for a show that would bring the house down and to remind the locals that yes, this is where we got our start and no, you will never be as famous as us.

Before the show, the good folks at The Post honored the band as "Band of the [Freakin'] Week" as seen here. If it weren't for his hospitalization due to swallowing a staple remover, the band would have been given the Key to the City by Athens Mayor Ed Koch. We at Joko Records are planning a lawsuit against The Post for neglecting to mention us. We will settle out of court for a cookie, though.

All of the Athens residents showed up for the show at The Blue Gator. Plus a few students or whatever. The band played a few hits that made us big in Pakistan, including a few covers and never-been-heard songs. Lots of CDs and t-shirts were sold and many people went home with Daddy's in their heads, no matter how creepy that sounds.

Special thanks go out to the good folks at The Blue Gator, The Post, Bagel Street Deli, The E Street Band, Charles Grodin (who I assure you is alive and fine), Mom, rectangles of the world, and that guy I clotheslined as he rode past me on his bike. My bad.


~Joko!

Lives and Loves, Trials and Tribulations of Daddy's

The time is upon us! No, not the Rapture. The Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie 24th anniversary is this weekend! Yes, after 24 years the band is still together. They've survived several breakups, a heroin addiction, two world wars, and that Jimmy Kimmel interview. And now that they've hit this impressive milestone, it is time to celebrate!

So the 7th anniversary present is pens and pencils, the 9th is leather, and I'm pretty sure that the 14th is KIT: the Knightrider car. So what's the traditional 24th anniversary present? Actually, it's musical instruments. That's not a joke, it's true. We didn't even plan that out, it just so happened to be musical instruments. Go figure.

In honor of this celebratory event, Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie is reuniting during their hiatus for the first of what will prove to be thousands of farewell shows. If you find yourself in the southeast Ohio area this Thursday at 11:00pm, get your tush over to The Blue Gator in Athens, Ohio for a FREE (count 'em, FREE) DGKR concert! You can't beat that away with an obscure pop culture reference!

Also, bring presents. The band loves presents. Gift certificates to Chipotle (aka Chipootle) are also acceptable.


~Joko!

We Went Away For A While

Awake.

Wow, what a dream I had! I dreamt that Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie toured the nation, singing and playing for audiences in bars and coffeehouses and living rooms, selling CDs and t-shirts to anyone willing to donate to the cause*. Oh wait, it's wasn't a dream! It wasn't a dream!

We finished the first tour for the new Daddy's album, "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer (which is still available at the Daddy's website, folks) and then we promptly fell asleep. Just knocked right out. Don't look at me like that, musicianing is hard work! Sometimes you just need a good 2-month nap to recharge your system. Or, in Kyle's case, a literal recharge, seeing as how he got involved in that Amish gunfight and had to be rebuilt ala Robocop. Although instead of fighting crime and breakdancing, Kyle is using his new robotic limbs to star in his own sitcom, "RoboKyle Loves Chachi," which is really just a rehashing of "Hogan's Heroes", but instead of Nazis, they're trying to escape from the Brady kids, some of whom have really not aged well.

The chillaxing period for the band continues until we can get enough steam for the second leg of the world tour (we still have a few African nations we haven't visited yet). So what is the rest of the gang up to during this unexpected hiatus?

According to Rob, he expected the tour to last several years, so he quit his job as an assistant barber and sold his apartment and all of his belongings. Now that he's got no place else to go, and the other band members have declined his pleas for a place to stay, Rob found work in Tulsa, working for the Staples corporation. Rob is in charge of assembling Easy Buttons. Unfortunately, there is no Easy Button that can be used in the creation of Easy Buttons. C'mon Rob, that's like wishing for more wishes!

And that leaves Mr. Toby. After several meetings with his team of highly-paid expert lawyers, they have discovered that Toby owns the rights to the name "Toby." A world-class lawsuit is being enacted against all other Tobys, whether they be men or women, puppies or bunnies, or even cast members of The West Wing. Says Toby Prime, "We expect [a settlement] of at least $10,000 per Toby. Then I'll be able to buy that Container Store franchise I've always wanted."

"Fuck charity," added Toby.

So that leaves us here at Joko Records. Half of our staff toured with the band and worked as roadies, merch sellers, masseurs, food tasters, and "miscellaneous." Please don't ask what the miscellaneous means, we have been advised by our lawyer, Matlock, to keep silent about what goes on behind the tour bus' door. So that left the other 1,500 staff members to continue with the promotions and recordings of our previously signed bands, "Hogwart's Hootenanny," "Chum," and "Waterlogged." Actually, that's a lie. We kinda forgot about the other bands. Sorry guys.

And now that our whole staff is back together, we're planning on signing a few more bands. Hey, why the heck not? It's not as if we're a fictional recording company or anything.




~Joko!

* the cause is the fund to buy friendship, health, and happiness.

CDs! T's! OMGs!

Excitment is running rampant throughout the Joko Records office today. Part of it is because Neil Diamond suprised us with a six-foot birthday cake and a seven-layer submarine sandwich, even though Corey the intern ate like half of it. C'mon, Corey, just because we don't pay you doesn't mean you can bogart the yummies. The other half of our excitement comes from the impending release date of the newest Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie compact disc, "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer.


And that's not all Angela Lansbury wrote, there's also lots of other goodies coming your way. Just in case you're one of those cold and naked Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie fans, Joko Records is providing you with the amazing opportunity to buy some of the first ever Daddy Tees! Two styles, three colors, four sizes, a million possibilities! But mostly, you'd probably want to wear them.


The magic of the internet has allowed us at Joko Records to start to move ourselves into the 20th century. Add that to the science of the handy camcorder and you've got an unstoppable combination. Not unlike Bennifer or TomKat. So, I guess we've got an intercorder. Or a camernet (not to be confused with the alcoholic drink of a similar name). So now, for the first time anywhere, anytime, anywhichway, we welcome you to Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie, the Video Collection. Or, as we lovingly refer to it, Daddy Killed The Radio Star. Just clicky click here for the full experience. Be sure to check out all 17 videos!


And if that aint enough, the whole Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie crew is coming to your town! That is, assuming you live in Washington DC, Cleveland, or Sandusky, Ohio.

Your job now is to go to www.daddysgonnakillralphie.com. That's where you can preorder the CDs and t-shirts, as well as get up-to-date concert info. Because c'mon, nobody takes the Joko Records site seriously anyway.
~Joko!

Set your alarm for: March 14!

Greetings from a secret location in central Nebraska! Our typewriter monkeys have been hard at work putting the final touches on the newest experience from Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie which has been branded "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer. Literally. I mean we took a cattle brand and burned the album name onto each CD. Unfortunately all of the CDs somehow melted and we'll have to send them back to press. We've got the crime lab working on the case as we speak.

While we work on that, the album has been re-sent to our factory in northwest Canada, where the air is sweet and so are the women. The inuits have informed us that the CDs will be ready to find their way into your hands on March 14th. That's right, March 14th! Put it on your calculator watches and astrology charts.

And while you're doing that, if you live within a 12-hour drive from Washington, DC, you should stop by to see the Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie extraveganza. They'll be cranking out some cover tunes (and perhaps a few originals) at Potbelly at Dupont Circle every Saturday at noon (rumor has it that the new roast beef is fab). Then, on March 19th DGKR will be playing at The Wonderland at 9:00, and then once more at Grog and Tankard on March 22nd at 10:30. That's a whole lotta Toby!

Did we mention that "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer comes out on March 14th? You know that means March 14th, 2006, right? I mean, that'd be kinda cruel if we were teasing an album that doesn't come out for another year. C'mon, it's not like we're the new Superman movie or anything.



~Joko!

Waterlogged! No, really.

We at Joko Records are proud to announce that production has ended on Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie's latest adventure, "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer. But that's not where the fun ends, we still have lots of work to do before the official unveiling in Geneva. There's the album cover, t-shirts, stickers, posters, forehead tatoos, action figures, souvenir antibacterial soap, the street team (aka Jehovah's Witnesses), lawnmowers, killer cacti (and man-eating jackrabbit), and Kyle's toothbrush (don't tell Kyle).

I just heard from Daddy's frontman Toby Fallgraff, and he has forbidden me to give away any details on the upcoming album in this week's blog. But if nothing else, I am loyal to the fans (and to the hit count on this blog), so I will tell you what I can while saving the good stuff for another report. Let's see, I can't tell you about the new sticker design or the t-shirts. I can't say anything about the completed cover art or the dreaded "Rob is dead" conspiracy. I'll have to avoid writing about the one CD in every box of 100 that is completely recorded with a mandolin. I shouldn't say anything about the Bea Arthur cameo or the barking dog choir. And I'll just keep my pretty little mouth shut about the 19 minutes of silence between the third and fourth song. But I will break this bit of news to you: the album contains a song written for everyone's second favorite video game character. Oh wait, that was the last album, Letter Carrier (If These Buttons Control You). BUY IT NOW.

This week Joko Records released our third album of 2006! Although Waterlogged has been in the scene for the last 13 years, and they have already released 7 albums with their previous record company, Jigga What Records, we decided to sign them up so we could cash out on the tail end of their success. The monsterpiece that they have come up with will prove to be a squeaky clean album with plenty of swear words and sexual content. Waterlogged is the brainchild of ringleader and snare drum operator, Tank Leiberman, who had never thought of the possibilities of a bathroom-themed opus. The Schrödinger twins, Mary-Kate and Socrates, sing backup over lead singer/bassist/guitarist/keyboardist/mooger/ukuleler/saw-player Fava Chianti. The end result sounds remarkably like Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but hey, it worked for them. Be sure to check out Waterlogged's latest attempt at an album completely recorded in a public toilet, Fresh Towels.

~Joko!

Glub Blub... Chum!

Work continues on the upcoming Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie album, which we are lovingly referring to as "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer. And there's a perfectly good explanation for that: it's the title of the album. That is, unless frontman Toby Fallsgraff has a last-minute change. You know artists! Actually, statistically speaking, you probably don't know artists. In that case, let me fill you in on how they operate.

Every artist, whether they be a music-maker, a thespian, or an art-artist, all require food. No shocker there, but as any cook on the Food Network will tell you, it's all in the presentation. Rumor has it that singer/songwriter Aimee Mann insists on large mixing bowls filled with peanut M&Ms with the peanuts seperated from their M&M counterparts, each one visibly labeled so the chocolate and the legume can be reunited on their way to the afterlife. Comedian Buck Henry supposedly required a french bulldog encased in turkey Spam before writing each Get Smart script. And I have a reliable source that tells me that Rembrandt snorted powdered NesQuik daily. Suprisingly, Oprah does not have one of these food quirks.

While America waits patiently for Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie to start begging for money, we at Joko Records are keeping your interest with new bands like Chum, a pre-post-punk band with one of the most unique sounds you'll ever hear. Songwriter Theo Drummer (on bass) grew up in the deserts of southeast Maine and yearned to one day taste water. When Drummer met drummer Supercut Cousteau, they ventured for months until they found an ocean upon which they would write songs that will go down in infamy like "Thirsty For U" and "Didja Know Shark Teeth Grow Back?" Only with the addition of guitarist SCUBA Johansen did the trio discover the underwater sound they had been searching for. Be sure to check out their latest release, "Camera Shy," available in your grocer's freezer.



~Joko!

Introducing: Hogwart's Hootenanny!

Quickly, Sherman! To the Wayback Machine! We have to go back to 2004 to sign Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie so we can release Letter Carrier (if these buttons control you) under the Joko Records label! What's that? Our Wayback Machine is a toaster? Oh, nevermind.

Everyone out there in TV land is asking me, "Joko, can't you give us some info on the new Daddy's album?" And I say, "Hey disembodied voice, the Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie secrets are on their way. So be patient and get out of my stuffed Alf doll."

While we wait for the secrets and suprises to rear their ugly heads, let's take a look at our latest find, Hogwart's Hootenanny! These talented buckshots are mixing the long-lost genre of the square dance with their love of everyone's favorite wizard, Harry Potter ("everyone" does not include fans of Lord of the Rings, Arthurian legend, The Wizard of Oz, or Wizard Magazine).

Owl-faced Pete, Squire Carl Jerkins, Todd "Weasley" Appomattox, and Seamus the Half-Blood Prince round out the band. Squire Carl's sitar solos, mixed with Weasley on the tambourine has proven to be quite hypnotic. Be sure to check out their latest effort, Ode to Hermione (Musicum Dilecto), and for more info, spend some time on their website (website pending).

~Joko!

Welcome to Joko Records!

Congratulations, you're getting in on the ground floor of what's going to be the biggest and boldest and most italicized musical experience of the decade. Maybe even a decade and a half!

Here at Joko Records, we listen to every bit of unrecorded music ever recorded so that we can pinpoint the latest and greatest unheard musicians and present them to the general public. Unfortunately our small staff has only made it up to musicians from 1984, so we decided to skip a few years to bring you what we call "current music." Hey, whatever pleases the kiddies.

Our most favoritest new band is Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie, featuring the talented frontman Toby Fallsgraff. He was all prepared to sign with lowercase l records (now out of business), but we snatched him up with the promise of free pie.

Keep an eye on this page, as well as www.daddysgonnakillralphie.com, for updates on his new album, "Love Sincerely," Writes the Writer, due out this Spring. Also be sure to peek back to the Joko Records blog for news on our other projects which will be sure to grab your attention (if not your wallets).

~Joko!