A Peek Into the Future

Greetings from Jokoland! I'll be your host, Joko Records! Watch your step, keep your hands inside the blog, and watch out for the icy patch.

This weekend, Sir Paul (McCartney) will turn 64. Forty years ago, he wrote a song of some sort predicting the destiny of his own 64-year old future self. Unfortunately, recent events have shown that his significant other will not need him, will not feed him, now that he's 64 (oboe solo).

In honor of this once in a lifetime event (and because we missed Ringo's 64th birthday.. sorry, Richard), we'll be unearthing time capsules buried by each of the Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie band members over 40 years ago. The capsules contain personal belongings as well as predictions for the future. They were buried with the intention to be opened only after the band has long since been retired and were ready for a greatest hits album or for when the blog runs out of ideas for things to write about.

Rob's time capsule was buried under the bathroom tiles in his parents' house. Inside was a collection of hair clippings and two Right Said Fred audio cassettes. His predictions for the future included moving sidewalks, Tom Cruise's wedding to Rue McClanahan, and a goat for every household.

Kyle forgot to bury his time capsule, so he just threw a bunch of stuff in a pillowcase about an hour ago. His time capsule included a handful of change, a microwaved AOL Free Trial CD, and a staple remover with googly eyes. On his prediction list, he included Alex Winters' return to Hollywood, a live-action Jetsons movie, and the cast of Friends becoming horribly disfigured from falling into a vat of acid.

Last but not least, Toby uncovered his time capsule from his hamster's grave in Mount Olive Pet Cemetary. After several hours of sobbing, we discovered that he buried a half-finished Subway Sub Club card, Muppet Babies Shrinky Dinks, and directions to Rob's time capsule. Toby predicted that his future son would come back to the past to introduce him to the woman that would become his wife. Also that we'd have robot maids.

And us? We at Joko Records don't like to dwell on the future. We're quite happy thinking about today, working on where Daddy's Gonna Kill Ralphie will be in the future. C'mon, what do you want from us? We've already made three Jetsons references! Ok, one prediction: in the future, after Mario gains sainthood, only the holiest of the holy will have moustaches.

~Joko!